Joyful Obligation
Can Duty Really Be Enjoyable?

My son and I just returned from our annual visit to a dear friend who lives out of state. This person is someone we've known and loved for years, yet (as is common) the relationship is complicated. Our personalities and ways of living in the world are very different from each other and, though we love each other, tensions between us can run high. Especially lately.

The past three years have been tough on our friend. He lost a very close loved one, and age is bearing down on him with a vengeance, causing him considerable physical pain. Emotional and physical suffering turned the volume all the way up on his difficult personality traits and made him extremely unpleasant to be around.

So this summer we approached our visit with dread. To be honest, part of me wanted to back out. But our relationship with this man is long-term, so my son and I bucked up, shared our worries with each other, came up with strategies for self-care, and made the journey.

And guess what! We were pleasantly surprised! A healthy grief process and miraculous 21st-century surgical procedures had restored some of our friend's former softness. Certainly pain, though diminished, was still present. Certainly tension still reared its head from time to time. But the sheer weight of misery was lifted off of him and so off of us in our time with him. We actually enjoyed our visit rather than counting down the hours, and we left more deeply connected than ever.

I had been afraid this man would die leaving my son with only painful memories of him. Instead, the two of them bonded in a more real and adult way than ever before, imbuing my son with respect and appreciation for the relationship.

On the way home, I felt deep gratitude for the connection with our friend, and for the duty that bound me to him decade after decade. I remembered the phrase "joyful obligation" that my therapist once used to describe this very type of committed action, and knew she was right. Years ago I was going through the roughest time of my life, and our friend didn't turn away from me then, and I didn't turn away from him when it was his turn now, even though at times it was so hard that I wanted to.

Sticking with people I love through hard times and good ones yields a depth of sharing that just isn't possible if I give up when conditions are less than optimal. (Note that I'm not talking about enduring abuse or relentless emptiness and unhappiness in relationships.)

Even if this year's visit hadn't ended so happily, I believe the obligation would still have been joyful. Even during the painful past three years I've enjoyed growing as a person, finding ways to respond to his unpleasantness with more equanimity and healthy boundaries than in the past. And my heart expanded when my presence lifted his spirits for a moment, even if the level of generosity my presence required wasn't recognized.

I find joy in learning the difference between healthy boundaries, where "no" is just the right answer, and a "yes" that's right but difficult. It can take some work to discern the difference. But in my opinion it's worth it.

For Help With Discerning Obligation vs. Boundaries... 

A Few Answers
Ideas to Carry With You Along the Way


My experience is that everyone's needs are unique, even as many needs are universal. Here's hoping that one or two of these gems will land in a useful place at the right time for you:

• Long-term relationships with family and friends can bring much joy and much difficulty. Managing both can be a tricky balance.
• It's important to learn to discern between a healthy "no" and a painful "yes," to figure out when it's right to set a boundary and when it's right to act from duty.
• Joy can emerge from sticking with our most important relationships through ups and downs, growing as people in the process.
• Following through with obligation is not the same thing as enduring abuse.

Get Help With Making Obligations Joyful. . . 

The Power of Ritual
How Can I Make Life More Meaningful?


Rituals create pause within busy-ness. They are small actions that bracket routines with meaning and intention. By acknowledging meaning and intention in any activity, we live from the heart.

If you're planning to spend time with a loved one who challenges your patience, take some prep time to plan strategies for self-care during the visit. Perhaps you can leave the scene for a walk. Decide ahead of time what kinds of things you are willing and unwilling to do for the person. Set time aside to meditate or read something soothing at the beginning and end of the day. Call a friend to vent if big feelings build up.

Once you have your ideas in place, go out for a walk or sit in front of a candle and go over the ideas in your mind. Picture yourself doing them and feel the relief that comes with the ideas. Then take the ideas with you when you visit your loved one.

More on Rituals . . . 

Quote of the Month
What Do Others Say?


If you'd like to receive a thought - provoking quote once a week, it's easy to subscribe to "Weekly Wisdom" quote of the week. Click here.


There is no moral precept that does not have something inconvenient about it.
- Denis Diderot

A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the "why" for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any "how."
- Victor Frankl

Thou shalt not be a victim. Thou shalt not be a perpetrator. Above all, thou shalt not be a bystander.
- Holocaust Museum, Washington, D.C.

To Read More Quotes . . . 

Books and Websites
Where Can I Read More?


For more Recommended Reading,
click here.

For more Interesting Websites,
click here.


This Month's Recommended Reading:

Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman
Drawing on groundbreaking brain and behavioral research, Goleman gives great information on emotional intelligence factors such as self-awareness, self-discipline, and empathy. Although these qualities are shaped by childhood experience, they can be nurtured and strengthened throughout adulthood. Knowing these qualities can help with discerning obligations and boundaries. Can be ordered at www.amazon.com.
  

This Month's Interesting Website:

This American Life's 2008 Valentine's Day Show
A podcast of three very moving radio stories about the ups and downs of monogamy, a very specific kind of obligation. Act Three is especially apropos to the subject of joyful obligation.